I'm just going to complain.

You know That feeling you get when you wish you could go back in time and un-say the terrible words that had just somehow fallen out of your mouth?

I always have that feeling.

what makes us feel this way?

sometimes I feel like i'm watching words fall out of my mouth in slow motion, but for some reason i can't stop them, i can't unsay them, and i can't catch those words before they land in someones brain.

Do i have no filter?

is it somehow possible that i just lack the brain power to control what comes out of my mouth?

I feel like theres a tunnel where all the weird things that pop into my head, for some sad reason, instantly come out of my mouth.

or could it be, that its my awkward lack of confidence that gets the best of me

and makes me doubt myself?

Whatever it is, just keep in mind, if i ever say something that hurts you or makes no sense at all,

I had no control of it, and I never wanted it to hurt you.

So in short, don't take anything i say too seriously, after all the words probably just slipped out of my mouth.

-Me,

regretting nearly everything i say.

So now that I've ignored my blog for long enough,

I'm beginning to wonder,

am I secretly a 'relationship' person, and somehow I've convinced myself otherwise?

lets start with some facts:

-i'm always single,

-Last "boyfriend"i use this term loosely was almost Three years ago,

- My relationships are always short lived,

although i take full responsibility for that

as my process is to over think, panic, and run.

-I believe i'm a terrible girlfriend,

see above.

-And finally, i never Feel like i need a man,

isn't that how you should feel?

But Could it somehow be that I've told myself all of these things to avoid the inevitable heartbreak?

I'm starting to feel like maybe a relationship isn't something to be so afraid of

of course it could be that my bestfriend

who is a serial dater

is finally breaking me down,

Or it could be that i'm getting bored.

But either way

I'm starting to reconsider my sometimestooindependent ways.

fear of commitment and all,

-crazy.

self absorbent

I've disappeared maybe a little bit.

For a bunch of reasons, none of which are really all that legitimate.

i've been busy, and sick, and stressed, and things and stuff and life

Boring and usual.

you know the drill

oh well.

But i'm here for a reason other then complaining about life, in general.

I have had a serious lack of ambition.

I'm feeling a little less then inspired.

This rut i'm in needs to go and quickly.

its just getting irritating.

So basically

i'm going to re- find inspiration.

get out of the rut.

and go back to being myself.

i'll update you on my mission.

over and out.

insert other military themed phrases here.

As you can tell from my less then witty and un-interesting words

this is perfect proof of my muddy self pity-ing rut.

So i'm going to disappear again.

on a sidebar,

my aunt was just diagnosed with breast cancer so think happy thoughts for her.

Boring, uninspired, but sarcastically joyful,

-me.

I'm just Coral.

I definitely know people's perception of me is way off.

And very few people actually know what I'm really like

But for some reason unbeknown to me i don't have the ambition

to prove who i really am to all these people.

It's never really bothered me, its always a surprise to people who really get to know me, and i certainly don't give a damn if people judge me, because afterall they are only judging the idea of me.

But back to the point.

Why is it that the ideal of me is completely off?

Somehow i must radiate something completely different then whats on the inside

or maybe i do it on purpose so people never know too much about me

Maybe my blue hair and piercings just make me look more evil and intimidating then i really am.

Or maybe i just

truly

honestly

love having blue hair and metal in my face.

I'll probably never know, but i will always wonder.

Is it possible for me to show who i really really am the second i meet someone?

confusion and all,

-Nothingtobeafraidof

Thought # 2

sometimes i just want to slam my head against a wall, and forget the day.

lets call it the "bad day eraser".

Give me a moment.

You know those moments you have when you have no idea where your going, whats coming next, or what your doing?

I could use one of those moments.

I've literally known -generally- what i was going to do for my entire life.

and your probably thinking ".. your 16, shut up." but hear me out.

Since i was 8 years old if you asked me what I wanted to be when i grew up I would say "Hair stylist or Medical examiner"

that may sound creepy, and I know the two have nothing to do with each other but those are the only two things I've ever wanted to do, and those are still the only two things i could ever imagine doing.

Right now I'm beginning the rest of my life basically, I'm finishing all my schooling then I'll be starting cosmetology school and starting my career, and I truly am excited about it, and I love doing it, and i'm not doubting that.

But I could use something completely unexpected.

Maybe I want an escape

Or maybe I'm just bored

Or It could be that I'm panicking and I don't want to grow up

What ever it is, for some reason right now i want to go somewhere I've never been, marvel at something I've never seen, and doing something with absolutely no direction.

Then come home and continue doing what I love, I'm not doubting that i want too, and will be, a great hair stylist, I'm just saying before I fulfill all my goals and finish all my plans, I want to do something pointless and stare into nothingness for no reason, with no ambition.

Complaints and all,

-Me.

Everybody in the metropolitan area has my phone number

I like to straddle dryhump the line between people pleaser and polite person.

I have not yet discovered the art of saying "No your creeping me to out" to random men asking for my number, and it's starting to become a problem.

I've always always wanted people to be happy around me, it bothers me if they are upset, especially if I'm the reason for they're mood's deflation.

Which may surprise some people because alot of times my fancy sense of humor can make me sound offensive and bitchy, but really it's just funny.

I've gotten past most of my peoplepleasingtendencies but somehow I cannot over come this one flaw, no matter who you are, how creepy you are, how old you are, or how annoying you are chances are if you ask for my number ill give it too you & then immediately regret it.

And trust me, there is no way I'll ever answer your calls, return your messages or text you back, but for some reason whenever you ask i'll shut down, break under pressure, get nervous and hand over the digits.

Maybe one day i'll learn how to kindly or maybe not so kindly reject people, but for now i'll just hit ignore and delete the voice mails.

Goodnight Stars.